Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Praying for a Hole to Open Up....

As a rule of thumb, parents are supposed to embarrass their children. Right? I mean every kid at one point has looked upon their parental unit/units with mortification and dread, haven't they? Well, I say it serves them right! After all the embarrassing things that they say and do, it's a good thing for them to get a little taste of the "what-goes-around-comes-around" medicine! Now, before my email box is flooded with comments on how mean that statement is, I think you should hear some of the comments I have had to endure.

For example, a few years ago I had taken my sweet little munchkin, Duglin to go get his pictures taken. While we were waiting in the studio reception area, a nice lady and her newborn were coming to pick up their pictures. Now, let me stop here and say for those of you who do not know my Duglin, that he is the friendliest, most loving child you will ever meet. Oh, did I also mention he is brutally honest.

OK, where were we? Ahh, yes, so Boo-Man (also known as Dugley) proceeded over to the nice lady to go make friends. He asks her about her new baby and says he has a baby sister, too. (Oh, isn't that cute!!!! Talking like a little man and so politely, too!) My heart was filled with pride as my cutie-pie continued his sweet conversation.

The lady was very kind and returned his 4 year old banter with compliments on his blue eyes and big boy exchange. Just as I was about to explode with joy at my punkin's adorableness, it happened. That moment when you wished a hole would magically appear in the middle of the floor and you could blissfully fall in and never be seen again.

What happened you might ask? Well, let me back up, again, and explain that Duglin is a very physical kid. He wants to be hugged and kissed all the time. He is either in some one's lap or begging to be swung around, and he frequently asks these things of perfect strangers. (We are working on that.) Anyway, he derives a sense of security from being touched, so it is not unusual for him to try to grab on to some one's hand or touch someone he doesn't know.

Soooooo, as I said, as I was dripping in adoration over my sweet, friendly, and beautiful little boy, I watched as he lifted his itty-bitty, little hand and start rubbing the woman's belly. OH, SWEET CARTON OF MILK!!!!!! I knew what was coming next! From that moment on everything began to move in slow motion. I began running toward my offspring, not sure exactly how the next words would come out, but knowing it was going to be really ugly. I pushed innocent children and people out of my way as I raced toward him calling DUUUUGLINNNNN!!!

I was too late.

In the loudest voice imaginable, I heard my angel say as his hands gave Mrs. Nice's belly (still swollen from recently having a baby) a really good jiggle, "WOW, LADY!! YOU ARE REEEEEEEAAAALLLLYYY BIG!!!!!!!!!" (Hole?!?! Where is it?!?! I can't find it!!!!) I don't even remember what happened next. I have suppressed that memory and am just waiting for the day I can repay the him the favor. (Quick note -Duglin is anything but vicious, he was simply making a statement he found to be true. We are also working on tact, now.) At least the pictures turned out good.

And then there was Perri just this week. Ahhh, my sweet and feminine, little, frilly princess. But don't let the innocent blink,blink of her long eyelashes fool you. Sometimes she gets us, too. We took the kids to Steak and Shake as a reward for great test grades earlier this week. Now, Perri has the bladder about the size of a proton so we visit every bathroom in every store, every park, every restaurant, every mall, every church, every grocery, every gas station, every home, every bank, and every wood-sie location. We are experts at locating potties! This day was no different, so we headed to the facilities to let her take care of business.

She has started this thing now where she won't let me in the stall with her anymore because she, as she puts it, "Needs her privacy." (She's 4, for goodness-sake!!!!) So I, being the good mommy that I am, waited for her patiently outside the door. A couple of minutes later the women's bathroom door creaked open loudly and in walked an employee. Perri proceeds to ask me in her little, LOUD, elfin-wonder voice, "HEY, MOMMY? DID YA HEAR THAT LADY FART?" (Hole!!!? Hole!?!?!?! I know it's GOT to be here somewhere!!!!!!!) (Yet another quick note - we do not condone the use of that word in our family, nor do we ever use it. I find it quite crude and yucky! I will be interviewing all our friends soon as to find out who taught it to her. You're in BIG TROUBLE whoever you are!!!)

Yes, I LOVE my children. They are precious gifts for which I prayed. But sometimes, they do and say things that make a deep, black hole seem like the sweetest place on earth!


Jennie said...

We are busting up laughing here. I have tears forming in my eyes!! One day it'll all come back to haunt them! Just think of all the sweet innocent comments a grandmother has said "Honey, are you wearing clean underwear?!" in front of a first date or something. We may be old at the time, but it'll all come back around! Love it!

Anonymous said...

The "fart" comment in public has been popular down through the ages... just ask OUR daughter (who did the same thing when she was four (now 32) but, the lady was in the aisle at a clothing store).

jennifer said...

hee, hee!

I can't wait until Duglin comments on my after-baby belly. Thanks for the heads-up!